Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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