first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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