My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
