Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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