Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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