The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
