Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
