i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
