bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
