Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
