so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
