Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
