My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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