He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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