remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
