well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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