That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
