Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize
