Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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