return my video game
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
