I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
