also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry about my life...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
