seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
