why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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