so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
