so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
