He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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