Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he laminated a picture of his dick.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize