It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
