yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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