You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
