My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
