the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
