he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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