i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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