we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
