turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
