There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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