you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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