I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
