Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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