cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
