Screwed.edu
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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