I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
