Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
