Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
