It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
