someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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