She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
