I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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