And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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