Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
