It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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