so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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