It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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