she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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