hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Randomize
