after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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