Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
